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Grief. October 26, 2008

Posted by Mistress B in Family, Parenting, Ramblings.
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I know now what has hit me the past few days.

Why I started crying and couldn’t stop for hours.

When Lou left us was a traumatic and stressful time. The whole situation was overwhelming. the nastiness of it, the shock of it, the crap from the freak, the concern of our friends, the sadness and confusion of our other children, the anger and frustration that hubby and I felt………..

I had to hold everything together.

I would have gone mad if I hadn’t.

I needed to hold everything together for everyone elses sakes.

My children needed me to be ok. My husband needed me to be ok. There were things that needed to be done. I needed to be ok.

Lou needed me to be ok. It took me a long time to work out how to talk to Lou and pretend that everything was ok. In the end I had to shut off part of myself so that I could function, so that I could breath, so that I could do all the things I needed to do. So that I could be ok.

But everything wasn’t ok then and it isn’t ok now.

No my child isn’t dead. But our separation was cruel and painful and our world has never been the same since.

I had to learn how to function again while feeling like part of me was missing. We had to relearn how to be a family with one of our parts gone.

She wasn’t dead, but the relationship we had, the family that we were, the foundation of who we thought we were and how we functioned all changed.

It took us a long time to regain our footing. For my children to learn to be 2 instead of 3, for CJ to learn how to be the older sibling instead of the middle one, for TJ  to get used to not having to compete for attention, for the hurt, the anger, the sense of betrayel to fade, for us to feel confident in our skills as parents again, for my hair to stop falling out in clumps and my doctor to stop wanting to monitor my stress levels every other week.

It was about 18 months before we felt ‘normal’ again. But it was a new normal, a different normal, a redefined normal.

And then I had my cancer scare and I still had to be ok.

And then.

Well.

The challenges don’t stop but sometimes I stop being ok. It might only be for a few minutes or a few days, or it might be for a little while, but sometimes I’m just not ok. Being separated from my child the way that I am has broken something in me and somedays I can’t manage to hold it all together.

And that’s what happened to me last week. Starting to look at bringing my girl home reminded those pieces that they are broken  and that I’m not ok and now I realise why.

I never gave myself permission to grieve, and I need to, so that I can be ok.

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Comments

1. Dina - October 27, 2008

I’m sorry you’re going through this : (

I think life is like that. We deal with stuff, manage the best we can, and then fall apart again.

I think there are somethings we never fully get over. They’re always with us. But on good days, we can push them to the back of our head and feel happy.

2. Dina - October 27, 2008

Sorry for the double comment. I wrote the first one and it didn’t post so I wrote another.

3. Pure Evyl - October 27, 2008

I wish you the best. Take care and take time for yourself.

4. anja - October 27, 2008

*hugs*

5. dancingwithfrogs - October 27, 2008

Sheesh!
Yes, we have to be the strong ones. But you need a few ‘doona days’ as well where all you do is sleep and shut the world out. You’re right… let yourself untighten the screws and grieve.

6. Naomi - October 27, 2008

😦

*huggggggggggggggggggs*

Wise words there, love.

I know it’s hard to get out from under the ‘together one’ mask and just collapse sometimes… we see it as a bad thing. But the bad thing is actually the super-duper collapse that comes after too many ‘holding it togethers’, that ruins everyone.

MWAH.

Love you. Wish I could help.

7. wjcsydney - October 27, 2008

I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don’t. One of my blog friends has written on his grief and how he didn’t/did deal with it. It might be helpful for you or someone else out there.
http://johnmarkhicks.wordpress.com/
I’m reading “The Shack” atm. You might find some comfort there.

8. Jayne - October 27, 2008

(((hugs)))

9. tiff - October 27, 2008

Biggest hugs to you.

10. leechbabe - October 27, 2008

I’m sorry. 😦

I hope you find the time for yourself to grieve.

((hugs))

11. river - October 27, 2008

With time, you and your family will be whole again.

12. magneto bold too - October 27, 2008

Oh babe.

Days like that I call my ‘fine’ days.

How are you? Fine.

13. trishatruly - October 27, 2008

Being a mother can be so emotionally hard. You have my sympathy and my heart. I know what you’re going through. Been there. You will survive…with scars.

14. planningqueen - October 27, 2008

Bettina I can’t imagine how hard it must have when Lou was taken away from you. I sincerely hope that she returns soon to you.

15. frogpondsrock - October 28, 2008

((((((hugs))))))

16. widdleshamrock - October 28, 2008

Grief is not just for death. Grief is for the end of anything.

((HUGS)) You are truly a beautiful soul and I wish you peace, hope and love.

17. jeanie - October 30, 2008

Grief is so overwhelming in so many ways.

Quite often it is easier to grieve if something tangible is gone – when it is your dreams of how things are meant to be, it is really hard to process it and when you are holding it all together it is hard to give yourself permission to fall apart.

Hugs to you.


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