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Doubt much? June 12, 2008

Posted by Mistress B in Ramblings.
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Ever have days where you are constantly second guessing yourself and doubting yourself?

Wondering if you’ve done or said the right thing?

Having that one thing snowball on you to include everything you’ve done or said that day?

Abused women live with this doubt every single day.

For me it manifested in nausea and physical shaking every day 2 hours before he was due home when I would circle the house checking and double checking everything wondering what one little thing he would find to focus on as an excuse to rant, rave and possibly smack me around for. Had I left a water glass in the sink today? Had I washed that one pair of dirty shorts that he ‘may’ decide he needs for tomorrow? Was there baby stuff on the floor that shouldn’t be? Will he be happy today? Will I be able to make sure I don’t say/do anything wrong and keep him that way?

I doubted my own judgement, I doubted my own abilities, I doubted my own perceptions, I doubted my inner voice, I doubted my worth and I was trapped in my cycle of doubt, frozen by it into staying, frozen into letting him use me as his target for his cycle of build up, explosion and release once more.

I got out, but still some days, I doubt myself and I wonder if it is a tendency that is stronger in me because it had such a firm hold on me at one stage in my past or perhaps it’s that the cycle of doubt is completely normal and I just find it harder to dismissΒ  because doubt transports me back to that place where it wasn’t just my words and actions that I doubted but my very worth.

I dunno……….

Do you shake doubt off fairly easily? Or does it linger and fuck with your head for a while too?

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Comments

1. jeanie - June 12, 2008

Oooh – that is some sort of cognitive programming I am glad that I only have to view theoretically.

I mean, I doubt everything, but I don’t fear the repercussions except for the results of my lack of moving forward because of procrastination…

Thank goodness you got out.

2. Pure Evyl - June 12, 2008

Doubt plagues everyone from time to time. Although most of the time I have a problem with the opposite end of that spectrum and feel that I am absolutely right no matter what.

3. anja - June 12, 2008

Doubt always fucks with my head. *sigh*

4. Suze - June 12, 2008

Sama as Anja. Always, always doubting. Always underestimate the hubby. I am rather useless.

5. Gemisht - June 12, 2008

depends on the doubt I guess, for you, maybe its part of a long hard road out of the experience. So glad you got yourself out of that.

I do doubt myself, but it depends on what is happening around me and to me. Some days its not so bad and other days its baaaad.

Don’t doubt the doubting and you will come to terms with it in time, only you can come to terms with it though, nothing anyone says will do that for you. But we can be here for support if/when you need it πŸ™‚

6. Tracey - June 12, 2008

Well fuck me dead! Where did THAT come from?

I’ve just been given a new case where four kids have been removed thanks to serious DV. Now she’s had another one, but the perp is dead (what a shame). Do we let her keep him or don’t we?

Good on you for getting out of there and finding a new, healthier, presumably happier, life. Go girl!

7. lightening - June 12, 2008

Most days I doubt myself. Many times. I didn’t have an abusive husband but did grow up with abuse as a child – mostly emotional abuse and neglect but abuse all the same. It’s a hard cycle to break out of.

8. magneto bold too - June 12, 2008

I doubt myself all the freaking time, right now I am doubting my ability to perform this new job, even though I KNOW I can do it.

Sometimes those skeletons in our closet have a closer hold on us than we realise.

9. frogpondsrock - June 12, 2008

No I never doubt myself. I sat here for a while thinking about my answer and I cant think of any times, as a grown woman that I have ever seriously entertained any doubts about myself or my abilities.

10. Jayne - June 12, 2008

(((hugs)))
I hear ya.
.Only thing I can tell you is just remember that those feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt and/or self-loathing that he shoved into you are exactly how he was/is feeling himself, feeling so rotten that he had to drag you down into the depths of despair to wallow in the mind-numbing mental game filth with him.
Not saying that to excuse the bastard’s behaviour, just telling it to make you realise that just becoming more self-confident is bloody sweet enough revenge πŸ˜‰

11. Bettina - June 13, 2008

Jeanie – fear of repercussions…….. another part for me to ponder it’s role……..

Evyl – for the most part I can pretty easily cruise along assuming that I’m right ;), I just find when doubt does set in that it’s hard to shake off and I sometimes wonder if there’s a connection to the years that it was all I had.

Anja – hugs.

Suze – hugs to you too. And you aren’t useless.

Gem – it is a long road out of the experience, but while I wouldn’t wish my circumstances on anyone, there are things that I have learnt about myself that I would never have known. And thanks for the support. πŸ™‚

Tracey – my brain exploded this morning. That’s where that came from. Those people who tell you thinking is bad for you were right πŸ˜‰ I don’t envy that decision in the DV case. We are dealing with stuff with the SWIL just last week dragging the kids to court with her so she could vouch for her violent scumbag b/f to get him back out of jail again – she only had him locked up 5 weeks ago for breaking the AVO. Sigh.

Lightening – no it’s not an easy cycle to break.

Kelley – You’ll be awesome at the new job, just like you are at everything else because you put your all into everything you do. hugs Yes, our skeletons are clingy little bastards aren’t they…….

Kim – wow. I’m impressed. And I mean that sincerely. That must be a very…….. free way to be.

Jayne – no he was just a schizoid drugged out fucktard on a power trip. πŸ™‚ Mental game filth. Yes that’s exactly what it was to him, a game. I got my revenge early in the piece…………. when hubby told him to leave me alone or he’d do him some bodily harm πŸ˜‰ Bullies get most upset at being bullied lol

12. Darla - June 13, 2008

I doubt, I regret. My head fucks with me. It’s almost never ending.

(hugs)

13. Naomi - June 13, 2008

MWAH.

I vacillate between overwhelming arrogance and self-doubt. In theory, they cancel each other out πŸ˜›

14. widdleshamrock - June 13, 2008

Ah, self doubt ….

I think some is normal, I think when you have had an unhealthy environment, it can be more evident in your life.

Funny you mention this now, what with this week, my spiritual mentor said she thinks I am so much more confident then 3 years ago.

So I think once you get out of a situation, it does improve.

But is the self doubt you feel normal, or a result of your past ??

Maybe a widdle of both ??

15. tiff - June 13, 2008

Oh Darlin’

I feel for you, I do and I know that feeling so well.
Even when we feel like we are in a really good and strong place, doubt still hangs around. It’s part of the parcel, I think.

16. K - June 13, 2008

You said all that SOOO well!
Described my marriage to a tee.
It took me months to stop peering out the window and checking the house was just so *sigh*
It still creeps back occasionally.
But I think if we can recognise it for what it is and that the reasons are in the past, then we can loosen it’s hold, slowly & in babysteps.
((HUGS))

17. Bettina - June 13, 2008

Darla – right back at ya.

Naomi – lol. That must be it. I haven’t developed enough of one to cancel out the other. πŸ˜‰

WS – yup. That’s pretty much the questions that were going through my head.

Tiff – thanks hon

K – but without the hookers aye? lol πŸ˜‰ It’s been a long time for me and is far, far down the track, but every now and then I will see something that I’m doing and associate it with that. I’ve had a much better day today – I think I just needed to say it out loud to chase it away. hugs to you too and Congrats on the job!!


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