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Frienemies? March 4, 2008

Posted by Mistress B in CJ, Friends, Relationships.

Friend or Enemy?

Poor CJ can’t quite figure it out. Neither can her best friend H.

She’s been having some drama’s at school with one particular girl for a while now. This girl wants to fit in, but doesn’t know how, so instead of trying to figure out how the group works, she tries to control it.

She uses tears, dobbing, threats, bribes, what ever she thinks may work. And if none of that works, she starts plain old harassing them. The good ol’ “nag them till they are ready to scream and give in just to shut me up” ploy.

She had to be right and can be very vindictive when they other girls don’t agree with her or go along with her. She starts talking about them to the other girls, spreading rumours and innuendo until the whole group is in an uproar. She tries to play them off against each other by being narky to one, then running to another sobbing about how hard done by she is. She won’t let anything go and is constantly revisiting old issues.

H is so desperate to get away from this girl that she’s been asking her mother if she can change schools, a most distressing situation for CJ. Yesterday, after being hauled in to speak to teachers TWICE over the lies this girl was telling, H shocked and upset the whole group by saying that she wanted to kill herself. Dramatic? Perhaps. Distressing to 11 & 12 year old girls? Definitely.

CJ DID. NOT.want to go to school today.

I can’t say as I blame her.

The last adult that tried this kind of behaviour with me I told to fuck off and cut off contact with them, not exactly an option in the school yard.

Unfortunately, I think the girl causing the strife may be like my Miss Lou – clueless about socialising. I think CJ has been trying so hard with this girl because she sees something of her big sister in her, and I think that’s why it hurts her so much when it inevitably all goes to crap. Again. I also think that this girl picks at CJ’s friend H so much because while she’s not so bad one on one, she doesn’t know how to be part of a group so tries to push the rest of the group away all the while not realising that she’s pushing CJ away too.

I have, this morning,  spoken to the assistant principal about the situation. This has gone beyond normal pre-adolescent girl narkiness. He will be looking into it and seeing what strategies can be put in place to address the situation.

I hope they have a peaceful day today.

Let them have a peaceful day today.



1. Anja - March 4, 2008

This is serious.

When any girl or boy speaks of taking their own life, it’s damn serious. H is struggling with this, and it’s obviously affecting CJ to such a huge extent that she wants to miss school. These poor girls are having their lives made a misery by one person, and they are so young – they don’t know how to deal with this type of cunning.

I think the girl in question is not so much like Lou (socially awkward, not being able to read the cues) this girl is a cunning manipulator. And if this is not addressed, the girl will go on to being an attention seeking, cunning manipulator into her adult years. A histrionic personality disorder makes everyone’s life a misery – including her own.

I hope that H and CJ can find a way to tell this girl to get the fuck out of their lives. At least we’re adults – we’re allowed to say FUCK OFF.

Hugs to you and the girls.

2. Guera - March 4, 2008

Oh, I hope that CJ and H and the various adults involved (parents and principal) can find a way to diffuse this situation. I agree with Anja, its pretty serious when a kid talks about suicide, even if its just said for the shock value. Is it an option to talk to the girl’s parents, or would that make the situation worse?

(Hugs). I can’t help wishing my girls could stay babies forever…

3. Marita - March 4, 2008

I’m sorry. Hope that something can be sorted out to the benefit of all.

4. scrappydo - March 4, 2008

I so don’t miss the school yard dramas. It would seem that is young girl is a serious pain in the butt and I hope she is told at teh very least to pull her head in. Fast! Good luck to CJ and her friend in dealing with this.

5. Sharon - March 4, 2008

Its a tough one, but if any teenager says they want to kill themselves they need to be taken seriously.

My DD went through a similar experience in year 7. There was one girl in the group who was clingy and needy and just didn’t know how to fit in so she spent most of her time writing notes to the other girls and spreading rumours. Luckily we had a brilliant teacher who was on the ball and experienced in this kind of thing. She took the time to watch the group dynamics to work out exactly what was going on and then tried to give the girls solutions for each issue. It wasn’t easy and it took a great deal of “above and beyond” involvement on her behalf.

It all got very ugly and messy, and it was a huge stress on all of us. DD didn’t actually say she wanted to kill herself but she did say she wanted to die often, and she had so many days in tears not wanting to go to school.

I hope it all gets sorted out soon, and if it helps the girl in question is still part of the class now (they are in year 10) and while she still doesn’t exactly fit in all the time they have learned to accept and tolerate each other.

6. Jayne - March 4, 2008

I agree with Anja – this kid has learned to manipulate to get her own way,whatever the cost to others and I doubt H’s statement would make any kind of impact on her at all.
She’s displaying very clear signs of Narcissistic / histrionic personality disorder and its completely unfair to expect 11 and 12 year olds to cope with her,especially if she’s not being treated.
Just remember – when it starts effecting your child, it’s very much your business, no matter if teachers tell you otherwise.
Hope it gets sorted soon for everyone’s sake!

7. Casdok - March 4, 2008

This is so sad. I so hope something can be done.

8. cellobella - March 5, 2008

Has anyone spoken to the mother of this girl? We’ve found in the past that that is a very effective strategy.

Quite often the mum has no idea that her child is resorting to such strategies in the playground and in that case it can really bring it home to the child in question that her behaviour is unacceptable.

9. Dorothy Stahlnecker - March 5, 2008

I’m always so sad to hear about this kind of thing happening in schools. It seems its going on younger and younger. Let us know what the school does to diffuse this situation. I’m praying for all the kids, as thats what they are kids…struggling and its hard to get by without some kind of direction and maybe for this one child it starts at home.

My prayers and my best,
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call your gram

10. Bettina - March 5, 2008

The AP certainly took the whole situation seriously. I have a good relationship with the staff there, so I’m confident they will do something to help sort this out. He was discussing possible strategies with me while I was explaining the situation. He’s very switched on and the school that my children attend does not just give kids a talking to and hope they settle down. They get involved, they monitor, they interfere, they set boundaries and they guide.

I do know that this child has a severly handicapped brother and feel that perhaps her behaviour has something to do with her home situation. Attention seeking plus a lack of social skills does not a good situation make. I don’t really know the parents myself – only to nod and say hello in passing, but I’m sure the school will approach them given the turn the situation has taken.

Things were a more settled yesterday after all that worry. thankyou everyone for your prayers/positive vibes/thoughts Hopefully today will be ok too, and things will stay settled until the AP and teachers get a handle on everything.

11. Tiffany - March 5, 2008

I hope CJ had a better day today.

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