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Breaks my heart………… January 14, 2008

Posted by Mistress B in Family, Kids, Miss Lou, Parenting, Relationships, The Ex.
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My daughter thinks she is junk. She thinks she is crap. She thinks she just can’t do anything right. She thinks that the violent arguments that she witnessed while living in her father’s home about her mean that his violence towards herself and her step mother was “her fault”.

She jumps a foot off the ground if anyone raises their voice for any reason. She makes excuses or looks for someone else to blame if you try to correct her to avoid being “in trouble”.

She is timid where she was once fearless. She is subdued where she was once vivacious. She is anxious where she was once assured. I hope one day he realises what he’s done. I hope it breaks his heart, the way he’s broken hers.

So how to reverse the damage the monster freak has done? From experience, I know that it will take time. Lots and lots of time. It will take love. Lots and lots of love. It will take many, many instances of people not getting angry at her when she makes mistakes and paying attention to her when she has something to say. It will take much reassurance from everyone able and willing to give it to her.

She will need to learn how to feel safe again, to trust again, to feel free again. She will need to learn to not expect the worst, that it’s OK to make mistakes, that accidents are not her fault. She  will need to learn that most people are good, that most people are kind, that most people are understanding, that most people will accept her.

Mostly she will need to learn to forgive and to put it behind her. Then one day she will know that she is a survivor, that the worst can happen and that she can go on. She will know that she is strong, that she is good, that she does not need to be perfect. That she is lovable and loved.

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Comments

1. boneblower - January 14, 2008

Breaks my heart that any parent can do this to their own child. Big hugs, love & happies being sent to you both. Good luck with your journey together down what sounds like a very bumpy road. Look to the horizon and guide her gently along the path. Keep teaching her the importance of setting suns on the pain and sunrises of dreams to look forward to. Love to you both xox

2. FreeFromItAll - January 14, 2008

((((HUGS))))) Hang in there….

3. Casdok - January 14, 2008

So sorry to hear this, and yes i can understand that it breaks your heart.
Your right it will take love patience and understanding. And you have all those to give her.

4. Dorothy Stahlnecker - January 14, 2008

My daughter had some issues like this over 35 years ago, when she would stay with her father. At 41 it still bothers her, and she’s had counseling. Which is strong suggest for you and your daughter. It was very difficult for me to know what I could and couldn’t do as well.
There are no right answers except to be as honest as you can and engage her in conversation. Get her to talk about her past…

Sherry never told me some of the things she experienced until years later. To this day, I hate this man, and he doesn’t have a clue…he is still wrapped up in himself…

I pray for you and your family. You’ve got a strong, healthy and good attitude of moving forward and helping you daughter. In the end it will make a difference.

My very best,
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
http://grammology.com

5. Naomi - January 14, 2008

Awwww, poor kid 😦 You’re right, though, in how to deal with it. Those experiences can add strength instead of being a weakness, eventually.

6. Anja - January 14, 2008

I have no words of comfort. I have no bright and witty comeback for this. But I have walked that road and know maybe a little of what Lou is feeling. If I would have had someone tell me “it’s alright, I love you” I know I wouldn’t sit alone in a corner and cry. Lou will make it. Lou, in time, will be fine. It may sound like a corny cliche, but love can make it alright… and she has an abundance of love… from her mum.

7. Desertqueen - January 14, 2008

Hugs for you and Lou. I really hope that Lou can get past all this, and I am sure she will with love and understanding from you. It does take time for wounds to heal. My daughter’s wounds weren’t as deep as Lou’s but still, after 3 years, she still has moments that seem to be flasbacks.

And make sure that she is patient and forgiving with herself. It won’t all go away overnight, and it would be unrealistic to expect that it would.

8. Bettina - January 14, 2008

thanks everyone.I know I’ve talked a little about this to some of you in groups and a lot to others on email and your support means a lot to me.

She’ll be alright. I know it. Time, distance and being close to family that all love and accept her no matter what will do the trick. ……. not to mention the reassurance that she never has to see/talk to him again if she doesn’t want to or isn’t comfortable. 🙂

9. Joh Blogs - January 14, 2008

It’s a great thing that she is talking about it. You must be giving her a safe place for her to be able to do that!

10. guera - January 14, 2008

Maybe she has a long road to travel to get there, but it sounds like she has an amazing, dedicated mother willing and able to help her along the way. The fact that you are so aware of the problems and the cause and more importantly how to fix them will go a long way to helping her.

11. magneto bold too - January 14, 2008

I am feeling your pain like it is my own. Love to you babe. You can do this. I know you can.

xx

12. kim - January 14, 2008

I hope it all goes well for you and your girl…Love and Hugs will help a lot.. and letting her talk..
My father was a “hard Man” which is a nice way of saying that he used to beat the shit out of me on a regular basis..

he died when I was nearly 15.. I hated my father for a long long time… *sigh*

I could only start to heal when I was able to forgive my father..And that took a hell of a long time.. shit.. good luck to you both..

13. tiggymooshoo - January 14, 2008

Oh Lou! I am right there with you.

My father was not the nicest person either and I felt like a failure. One day I decided that what I had been through helped to shape me into the person I am today. Hugs.

Bettina, you have amazing strength to be walking this path with your daughter. Carrying her when she needs it.
Hope someone is walking it with you and lifting you up when you are feeling low.

14. Bettina - January 15, 2008

thankyou everyone.

I am just so appreciative of your encouragement, good thoughts and support.

And Tiggy, yes, there is a lot of support available to me.

And Anja – you have been a great comfort to me over the past couple of weeks while all this has been coming out. thankyou for always listening even when you have your own hurts to deal with. xox

15. Marita - January 15, 2008

Breaks my heart just to read about it. (((Miss Lou and Bettina)))

16. Nikki - January 15, 2008

B, Big big hugs to you and to Miss Lou.

I can not add to the words here. They reflect my thoughts also.

Lou has a very very loving mother.

P.S. The offer of knee~capping abusive father and feeding him to the pigs still stands.

17. Anja - January 15, 2008

I like the ‘Hannibalesque’ way of dealing with the abusive father. Makes my little heart go pitter patter. And once the swine have dealt with his putrid remains, we can have on his death certificate:

CAUSE OF DEATH:

Self-strangulation with own toothbrush.

18. Bettina - January 15, 2008

lolol loving the ideas there ladies!!


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